Please tell us about the abuse that you endured.
I was physically abused by my alcoholic father, and molested for a period of 6-7 years by another older male relative.
Did you ever seek help (as a child/in your youth)? If so, how? If not, why not?
No, I didn’t. At the time, I didn’t know if there was any help available, and frankly, I was far too ashamed of what was happening, and felt like other people finding out would be worse than what was happening. More than that, I thought no one would believe me, and that no one else had these sort of things going on.
During your teen and young adult years, did your abuse ever make you feel as though you were “different” from everyone else? If so, how did you cope with this?
Yes, absolutely. Keeping the “secret” meant spending so much time and energy acting as though nothing was happening. To prevent anyone suspecting a thing, I became the perfect kid, straight A’s in school, took care of things around the house, did everything I could think of to keep up appearances, so no one would ever find out how truly weird I was.
How does your abuse impact you as an adult?
This is a little harder to answer. Early on in my adult life it impacted everything. I spent so much of my childhood trying to play the role of perfect kid and avoid anyone suspecting anything, that I never really learned how to be an adult, and live my own life. I also learned to deal with stressful situations in childhood by simply dissociating, which probably saved me at the time, but which is not exactly a healthy way to deal with adult stress. When you have relationship or work stress, dissociating, and walking out of the situation isn’t exactly good. ;-)
However, after spending some time in therapy, and after a couple of very bad breakdowns, I did eventually learn how to be an adult, and have over time seen less and less of an impact. Not that there aren’t some impacts still to this day, but they have become something I can cope with pretty well.
What goals do you aspire to achieve through your (several) websites?
My biggest goal is to let other survivors know that they are not alone, that there are plenty of others dealing with the same issues that they are. Had I known that at a younger age, I can’t say for sure what would have happened, but I definitely feel like I wasted a number of early adult years not healing because I was afraid of being judged by others.
Besides your websites, do you help survivors in other ways? If so, please explain.
I try to bring attention to organizations and resources that may be available for survivors through the website, and also try to get some donations pointed their way through those efforts. Obviously, I can’t donate to every organization that does terrific work with survivors, but I can at least help get the word out. Not being a therapist, social worker, or having that kind of background, I made a conscious effort to not do that kind of work myself, leaving it to folks who are properly trained to do it, but I try and help with the skills I do have! ;-)
How can others help survivors of child abuse?
Believe them, help them find the help they need, and don’t bail on them. Survivors expect people to look oddly at them, treat them differently, and abandon them when they find out our secret. That’s why we keep it a secret. So when someone trusts you enough to share their story, if you suddenly get uncomfortable around them or treat them differently, you are feeding into that fear. Please don’t.
What do you think is the most important thing that survivors can do to help themselves heal?
Wow, this is a tough question. I think one of the biggest things to do as a survivor, is to realize that your childhood is over. Because we spent, in many cases, our entire childhood just figuring out how to survive what was happening we don’t necessarily develop the proper sense of self that allows us to be adults and make decisions, take care of ourselves, etc. It can be difficult to do, and it certainly takes time, but healing really is about learning to overcome what happened and allow yourself the opportunity to create your own adult life, instead of having the abuse rule that as well.
How and when did you realize that you were not alone as a survivor? And how can others do the same?
I realized it when I met other survivors online, and was able to see the research and other things that were available when I got connected to the internet and starting looking for it. And this was in the mid-90’s, when there wasn’t necessarily that much out there, but it was enough to simply know others were dealing with these same issues, and that it was possible to actually have healing. Now that it is almost 2013, the resources available online is not even comparable to what it was then, there are so many places to get information, share your story, connect with others, etc. I think that’s fantastic. Anyone looking for other survivors should have no difficulty doing so!
Why did you decide to feature NoLo Movement on your site?
Like I said earlier, I think getting to young survivors is so vital. They need to know that there is help out there, and that they can overcome what happened, and not spend much of those really important years being self-destructive and unhealthy. Far too many people are surviving horrific childhoods only to lose their lives during these years to addiction, violence, etc. Even those who avoid that are simply losing so many years where they could be leading successful, happy lives. The sooner we can let them know that there is hope, the better.
What is your advice to children who are currently being abused or have just escaped abuse?
First off, if you’re being abused, tell someone. You need to be somewhere safe. It can be scary to think about leaving what you know, but staying is not better. If you’ve just escaped, it’s the same advice. Tell someone, talk about what happened, get help. The sooner the better!
What have you learned from connecting with fellow child abuse survivors?
Aside from realizing that I’m not alone, I’ve also learned that survivors come in all shapes and sizes and from all kinds of different experiences. Whether you are male, female, young, old, white, black, middle-class, poor, rich, come from a single parent family, had a religious upbringing or not, etc., child abuse knows no cultural boundaries. Because of that, there’s no “right” way to heal, in my book. I know survivors who have found tremendous healing through their faith, and others who were abused in a church and want nothing to do with organized religion, but have found healing through other means. It also serves as a great reminder that there isn’t some special “kind” of survivor who has the ability to overcome their abuse and do some pretty amazing things with their adult years. We all have that ability.
What are some of your personal hobbies?
Well, since I travel as part of my job fairly frequently, I don’t get as much time to enjoy my hobbies as I used to. You could say that running my various websites is one of my bigger hobbies. I also really enjoy technology, photography, traveling for pleasure, sports, music, etc. Not only do I run a site about being a survivor at http://www.childabusesurvivor.net but I also have a site about what I do professionally at http://mikemcbrideonline.com
On both sites you’ll find links to contact me, follow me on various social networks, enjoy my photography and others. I do try and separate the two sites because they represent two different audiences, but if anyone is interested in either, or both, I look forward to connecting with you!
I was physically abused by my alcoholic father, and molested for a period of 6-7 years by another older male relative.
Did you ever seek help (as a child/in your youth)? If so, how? If not, why not?
No, I didn’t. At the time, I didn’t know if there was any help available, and frankly, I was far too ashamed of what was happening, and felt like other people finding out would be worse than what was happening. More than that, I thought no one would believe me, and that no one else had these sort of things going on.
During your teen and young adult years, did your abuse ever make you feel as though you were “different” from everyone else? If so, how did you cope with this?
Yes, absolutely. Keeping the “secret” meant spending so much time and energy acting as though nothing was happening. To prevent anyone suspecting a thing, I became the perfect kid, straight A’s in school, took care of things around the house, did everything I could think of to keep up appearances, so no one would ever find out how truly weird I was.
How does your abuse impact you as an adult?
This is a little harder to answer. Early on in my adult life it impacted everything. I spent so much of my childhood trying to play the role of perfect kid and avoid anyone suspecting anything, that I never really learned how to be an adult, and live my own life. I also learned to deal with stressful situations in childhood by simply dissociating, which probably saved me at the time, but which is not exactly a healthy way to deal with adult stress. When you have relationship or work stress, dissociating, and walking out of the situation isn’t exactly good. ;-)
However, after spending some time in therapy, and after a couple of very bad breakdowns, I did eventually learn how to be an adult, and have over time seen less and less of an impact. Not that there aren’t some impacts still to this day, but they have become something I can cope with pretty well.
What goals do you aspire to achieve through your (several) websites?
My biggest goal is to let other survivors know that they are not alone, that there are plenty of others dealing with the same issues that they are. Had I known that at a younger age, I can’t say for sure what would have happened, but I definitely feel like I wasted a number of early adult years not healing because I was afraid of being judged by others.
Besides your websites, do you help survivors in other ways? If so, please explain.
I try to bring attention to organizations and resources that may be available for survivors through the website, and also try to get some donations pointed their way through those efforts. Obviously, I can’t donate to every organization that does terrific work with survivors, but I can at least help get the word out. Not being a therapist, social worker, or having that kind of background, I made a conscious effort to not do that kind of work myself, leaving it to folks who are properly trained to do it, but I try and help with the skills I do have! ;-)
How can others help survivors of child abuse?
Believe them, help them find the help they need, and don’t bail on them. Survivors expect people to look oddly at them, treat them differently, and abandon them when they find out our secret. That’s why we keep it a secret. So when someone trusts you enough to share their story, if you suddenly get uncomfortable around them or treat them differently, you are feeding into that fear. Please don’t.
What do you think is the most important thing that survivors can do to help themselves heal?
Wow, this is a tough question. I think one of the biggest things to do as a survivor, is to realize that your childhood is over. Because we spent, in many cases, our entire childhood just figuring out how to survive what was happening we don’t necessarily develop the proper sense of self that allows us to be adults and make decisions, take care of ourselves, etc. It can be difficult to do, and it certainly takes time, but healing really is about learning to overcome what happened and allow yourself the opportunity to create your own adult life, instead of having the abuse rule that as well.
How and when did you realize that you were not alone as a survivor? And how can others do the same?
I realized it when I met other survivors online, and was able to see the research and other things that were available when I got connected to the internet and starting looking for it. And this was in the mid-90’s, when there wasn’t necessarily that much out there, but it was enough to simply know others were dealing with these same issues, and that it was possible to actually have healing. Now that it is almost 2013, the resources available online is not even comparable to what it was then, there are so many places to get information, share your story, connect with others, etc. I think that’s fantastic. Anyone looking for other survivors should have no difficulty doing so!
Why did you decide to feature NoLo Movement on your site?
Like I said earlier, I think getting to young survivors is so vital. They need to know that there is help out there, and that they can overcome what happened, and not spend much of those really important years being self-destructive and unhealthy. Far too many people are surviving horrific childhoods only to lose their lives during these years to addiction, violence, etc. Even those who avoid that are simply losing so many years where they could be leading successful, happy lives. The sooner we can let them know that there is hope, the better.
What is your advice to children who are currently being abused or have just escaped abuse?
First off, if you’re being abused, tell someone. You need to be somewhere safe. It can be scary to think about leaving what you know, but staying is not better. If you’ve just escaped, it’s the same advice. Tell someone, talk about what happened, get help. The sooner the better!
What have you learned from connecting with fellow child abuse survivors?
Aside from realizing that I’m not alone, I’ve also learned that survivors come in all shapes and sizes and from all kinds of different experiences. Whether you are male, female, young, old, white, black, middle-class, poor, rich, come from a single parent family, had a religious upbringing or not, etc., child abuse knows no cultural boundaries. Because of that, there’s no “right” way to heal, in my book. I know survivors who have found tremendous healing through their faith, and others who were abused in a church and want nothing to do with organized religion, but have found healing through other means. It also serves as a great reminder that there isn’t some special “kind” of survivor who has the ability to overcome their abuse and do some pretty amazing things with their adult years. We all have that ability.
What are some of your personal hobbies?
Well, since I travel as part of my job fairly frequently, I don’t get as much time to enjoy my hobbies as I used to. You could say that running my various websites is one of my bigger hobbies. I also really enjoy technology, photography, traveling for pleasure, sports, music, etc. Not only do I run a site about being a survivor at http://www.childabusesurvivor.net but I also have a site about what I do professionally at http://mikemcbrideonline.com
On both sites you’ll find links to contact me, follow me on various social networks, enjoy my photography and others. I do try and separate the two sites because they represent two different audiences, but if anyone is interested in either, or both, I look forward to connecting with you!
